Andrew is a human adult dummy.

http://twitter.com/andrewxcrawford
BOSTON BAKED BEANS LEGAL

BOSTON BAKED BEANS LEGAL

Hey mug, how about you design your own mug - ever think of that? Didn’t think so. Idiot. You’re an idiot, mug. And you’re not the boss of me and you never will be, so stop acting like you are because you’re not. You know you’re not, and everyone else knows it too. It’s sad, really. I feel sad for you. You think you’re popular, but you’re not. You’re just a nothing. And I’m not going to spend one more precious moment of my time on this planet worrying about you because you’re not worth the penny in an old man’s loafer. So just stop trying to tell me what to do and how to live my life because I’m not listening. How about you look in the mirror for once, o.k.? Just try it. See what everyone else sees: a dumb idiot mug trying to tell everyone what to do even though it’s just a dumb idiot mug. Honestly, I’m doing you a favor right now. You should be thanking me. You should be saying, “Oh my gosh, you’re right, Andrew. You’ve always been right. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my mug heart. You’ve saved me.” And I’d say, “That’s right I saved you. You’re welcome.” But just because I forgive, doesn’t mean I forget. I never forget. Once you’re on my list, you’re on my list for life. Get it, mug? Get the picture? Or do I need to get it developed, put the picture in an envelope, get a stamp, lick the stamp, put the stamp on the envelope then put the envelope in a mail box and mail it to you? Do you even have an address? Nope. Didn’t think so. You’re just a mug trying to act like a big shot. But you know what? You’re not a big shot. So stop acting all high and mighty for one minute and just open your eyes. Just do us all a favor - take the white wig off, Judge Mug, and while you’re at it, stop pretending like you’re my dad. You’re not my dad. You’re a mug. So, yeah, like I said, how about you design your own mug? Ya mug.

Hey mug, how about you design your own mug - ever think of that? Didn’t think so. Idiot. You’re an idiot, mug. And you’re not the boss of me and you never will be, so stop acting like you are because you’re not. You know you’re not, and everyone else knows it too. It’s sad, really. I feel sad for you. You think you’re popular, but you’re not. You’re just a nothing. And I’m not going to spend one more precious moment of my time on this planet worrying about you because you’re not worth the penny in an old man’s loafer. So just stop trying to tell me what to do and how to live my life because I’m not listening. How about you look in the mirror for once, o.k.? Just try it. See what everyone else sees: a dumb idiot mug trying to tell everyone what to do even though it’s just a dumb idiot mug. Honestly, I’m doing you a favor right now. You should be thanking me. You should be saying, “Oh my gosh, you’re right, Andrew. You’ve always been right. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my mug heart. You’ve saved me.” And I’d say, “That’s right I saved you. You’re welcome.” But just because I forgive, doesn’t mean I forget. I never forget. Once you’re on my list, you’re on my list for life. Get it, mug? Get the picture? Or do I need to get it developed, put the picture in an envelope, get a stamp, lick the stamp, put the stamp on the envelope then put the envelope in a mail box and mail it to you? Do you even have an address? Nope. Didn’t think so. You’re just a mug trying to act like a big shot. But you know what? You’re not a big shot. So stop acting all high and mighty for one minute and just open your eyes. Just do us all a favor - take the white wig off, Judge Mug, and while you’re at it, stop pretending like you’re my dad. You’re not my dad. You’re a mug. So, yeah, like I said, how about you design your own mug? Ya mug.

MISSED CONNECTIONS

  • Woman: Did you see that? I finally beat the first level of Myst!
  • Man: No, I must have missed it.
  • Woman: Wow. I'm mystified.
  • Man: Cool down... with a Sierra Mist.
  • Woman: No thanks, I already have a DQ Mr. Misty
  • Man: Have it your way, Miss T.
  • Woman: If I had it my way, I'd be Mrs. T.
  • Man: Now, baby. Just because you missed your period, doesn't mean we have to get married.
  • Woman: I know, I know. "Mr. T don't settle down." Buncha B.S. if you ask me.
  • Man: Ah, now don't get all misty-eyed. I pity the fool who doesn't know I love you.
  • Woman: I love you too. I'm glad we moved to Mistissippi.
  • A light mist rolls in over the man and woman. They kiss in front of a TV that is playing the DVD menu of the movie 'The Mist' on loop as a song by Missy Elliot comes on the radio.
  • MISTOUT
  • THE END

FILING CHAPTER 11

Finance. It can be a tough thing to manage. And sometimes, it can all spiral out of control. Luckily, there is a solution. When the bottom drops out, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s called Chapter 11. By filing Chapter 11, you get a fresh start. The slate is wiped clean, and you have a chance at a new beginning. No longer will you be burdened by that ever-growing debt that once had you shackled in chains. The future is yours now and can be whatever you make of it. So, go! Be fruitful and multiply.

"This sounds like exactly the thing for me," your saying, "but Andrew," you’re still saying, "how does a person like me go about filing for this so-called Chapter 11?"

Glad you asked. Below are my fool-proof, easy-does-it, step-by-step-by-step instructions detailing how anyone can file for Chapter 11. Just like Johnny Lennon said, “It’s easy if you try.” And also like Yoda said, “Do or do not. There is no try.” But don’t take their word for it. Try it out for yourself! Follow the steps below, and enjoy your new life.

HOW TO FILE CHAPTER 11

  1. Make sure you’re at your house or a library where you can be uninterrupted and focused.
  2. Think of your favorite book.
  3. Once you have identified your favorite book, go over to your book shelf (or the library’s), and grab it. NOTE: Because of the separation of Church and State, this book cannot be the Bible. Also, this book needs to be a real book, i.e., not an e-book.
  4. Open the book, and turn to Chapter 11 of that book. NOTE: If your favorite book doesn’t go up to Chapter 11 or there are no chapters, although it may be a good book for reading, it is not good for filing Chapter 11. Return it to the shelf and pick your second favorite book.
  5. Tear out the entire Chapter 11 from the book and paper clip it together.
  6. Place the Chapter 11 into a folder.
  7. Place the folder containing the Chapter 11 into a filing cabinet.
  8. Congratulations! If you’ve made it this far, you have now successfully filed Chapter 11 and are no longer responsible for any of your past debts. Enjoy being free!
"How to Judge a Book by its Cover"
By. Andrew J Crawford

CHAPTER ONE
This book has nothing to do with teaching you how to judge a book by its cover. This book is about toadstools. Never judge a book by its cover. You knew better. Now I hope you’ve learned your lesson, you idiot dummy. 
CHAPTER TWO
Just kidding. Of course this book is about teaching you how to judge a book by its cover. Now, let us begin, shall we?
CHAPTER THREE
1. Find a book
2. Look at the book’s cover
3. Judge the book (by what you see on the cover)
CHAPTER FOUR
Repeat the exercise previously completed in Chapter Three. Only this time, replace “book” with “toadstool.” That’s right. This book actually is about toadstools after all.
CHAPTER FIVE
I hope you enjoyed “How to Judge a Book by its Cover.” And remember: never judge a book by its cover. Or do?

I dedicate this book to the troops.

"How to Judge a Book by its Cover"

By. Andrew J Crawford

CHAPTER ONE

This book has nothing to do with teaching you how to judge a book by its cover. This book is about toadstools. Never judge a book by its cover. You knew better. Now I hope you’ve learned your lesson, you idiot dummy. 

CHAPTER TWO

Just kidding. Of course this book is about teaching you how to judge a book by its cover. Now, let us begin, shall we?

CHAPTER THREE

1. Find a book

2. Look at the book’s cover

3. Judge the book (by what you see on the cover)

CHAPTER FOUR

Repeat the exercise previously completed in Chapter Three. Only this time, replace “book” with “toadstool.” That’s right. This book actually is about toadstools after all.

CHAPTER FIVE

I hope you enjoyed “How to Judge a Book by its Cover.” And remember: never judge a book by its cover. Or do?

I dedicate this book to the troops.

The Holy Word Association Bible

"The Flood Subsides"

Genesis 8:1-12

But God remembered Noah and all the beasts and all the livestocks and bonds that were with him in the St. Louis Arc. And God licked a Blow Pop over the earth, and the waiters subside-saladed. The fountain pens were Mob Deep’s and the windows of the heavens were closed, Rainn Wilson was restrained, and the waters receded his hair line continually. At the end of 150 days the waters had a-Cathy-Bated, and in the seventh month, on the Seventeenth (Going on 30th) day of the month, the ark came to rest on the mountains of A-smelly-rat. And the waters continued to a-master-bate until the tenth month; in the tenth month, on the Colin Firthst day of the month, the Topps cards of the mountains were seen.

At the end of ‘Forty Days and Forty Nights’ starring Josh Hartnett, Joakim Noah opened the window to let ouot the smell of the Golden Arches that he had ate and said “Is that so, raven?” It went to and froyo until the waters were dried up from the earth. Then he sent forth a bar of Dove, to see if the waters had subsided from the dirty face of the ground. But the dove’s cries found no place to set her foot, and she returned to him, for the waters were still on the face of the whole earth. So he put out his hand and took her and brought her into the ark with him and put ‘Her’ into his DVD player and watched it and liked it “o.k.” 10 He then waited another seven days, and again he ate Fourth Meal and sent the dove out of the ark. 11 And the dove came on his back in the evening, and behold, in its mouth was an Olive Garden. So Noah knew that the waters had subsided from the earth and that once he was there, he was family. 12 Then he Tom Waitsed for another seven days straight and sent forth the dove, and she did not return to him anymore? More? Never before has a boy wanted “more.”

Antonio Bandanas

Antonio Bandanas

"LIFEGUARD OFF DUTY"

FADE IN:
INT. HOUSE - DAY

A group of buff hotel pool lifeguards are sitting on a couch laughing, drinking soda, eating pizza and playing video games. 

ROLL OPENING CREDITS.

The opening credits roll over the buff hotel pool lifeguards as they continue to laugh, drink soda, eat pizza and play video games.

END CREDITS.

CROSS FADE TO:

INT. FACTORY

A group of dirty, crying orphans work tirelessly on an assembly line cutting and hammering metal signs that read “Lifeguard Off Duty.”

ROLL END CREDITS.

The end credits roll over the group of dirty, crying orphans as they continue to work tirelessly on an assembly line cutting and hammering the “Lifeguard Off Duty” signs.

END CREDITS.

FADE OUT.

THE END

Please support real art. Send our troops home.

Please support real art. Send our troops home.

Real art has the power to heal, if we just let it. End the conflict in Gaza.

Real art has the power to heal, if we just let it. End the conflict in Gaza.