Andrew is a human adult dummy.

Headline Jokes by Andrew 5/17/2013

• The San Francisco restaurant “Bacon Bacon” is being forced to close its doors after complaints from neighboring residents about its strong bacon smell lead to the discovery of permitting issues. Area residents aren’t going to be happy anytime soon though, with reports of a new restaurant called “Spoiled ’Milk’” taking place of the failed Bacon eatery.
• German officials have handed Justin Bieber a bill for thousands of euros after he failed to claim his pet monkey “Mally” from a local animal shelter where it has been staying for the last two months. However, the fine pales in comparison to the pop sensation’s biggest monkey-related cost of going from Bieber Fever to AIDS.
• Controversy following last night’s American Idol finale with accusations that show judge Mariah Carey lip-sinced her performance. Asked to comment, Mariah Carey lifted her finger to her ear, screeched in a high-pitch tone before being escorted away by her dog lawyer who translated for Carey, “No comment.”
• A bank has reportedly refused a porn star’s attempt to make a deposit at the bank. All specifics details beyond that are currently unclear as I am still at work and unable to click on the article link. More info also not to come later since my snoopy mom is a big snoop and walked into my room without asking last week and saw me in my private alone special time and now I can’t use my laptop in my room and have to use the family computer in the living room while my dumb snoopy parents watch Survivor and embarrass me in front of my friends like two dumb snoops.
• Just in time for summer, a new report revealed that fifty-eight percent of pool filters sampled in Atlanta-area pools contained E. coli, a bacteria commonly found in human feces. Bad news for swimmers with this coming on the heels of a separate report which revealed that one-hundred percent of pool filters sampled in Richard Gere-area pools contained gerbil fur. 
• A federal judge has barred an abortion law proposed by Arkansas state officials that, if implemented, would be one of the nation’s most strict. “Sure it would be strict, but it doesn’t go far enough. We’ve worked too hard and too long setting up the systematic demise of all of Arkansas by 2018, and we sure as shit don’t need new ones to get rid of later,” the judge said. Reporters were confused at first, having never heard of a plot to destroy Arkansas, until they looked at the judge’s nameplate which reads “Judge Lizard Person,” and then it all made sense. RIP Arkansas.

Headline Jokes by Andrew 4/19/2013

Nothing really newsworthy happening. Maybe next week will be more eventful.

Headline Jokes by Andrew 4/18/2013

• Wilcox County High School in rural Georgia is days away from holding its first ever racially integrated prom. “We’re all so excited. It’s been a long time coming,” Wilcox County students said. “And hopefully now Brad Paisley and LL Cool J will just shut the fuck up.”
• The American Library Association’s annual list of most complained-about books has been released, revealing that last year, more people complained about the potty joke-filled children’s book series Captain Underpants than any other book. “But if you ask me, it’s that dang Facebook that we should be worried about. Ha ha ha ha but seriously,” librarians said.
• A dentist’s office in Oklahoma is in trouble with health officials after over 50 of their patients tested positive for hepatitis B, hepatitis C and potentially even HIV due to alleged sterilization violations by the office. Authorities are hesitant to convict, however, stating that they would hate to close down the only dentist office in Oklahoma.
• Federal agents have arrested Paul Kevin Curtis from Mississippi, the man suspected of sending letters contaminated with the poison ricin to President Obama, a judge and a Republican senator who had once hired Curtis as an Elvis impersonator. Curtis is reportedly hoping to strike a deal, stating that a kid named Forrest Gump taught him everything he knows and that he is willing to give up information on the kid for a reduced sentence.
• Despite increased scrutiny of slaughterhouse health and safety codes in recent years, studies show that several forms of food poisoning are on the rise in the U.S. Authorities are taking cues from recent poison-related case successes and have amped up investigations, calling into question other Elvis impersonators from Mississippi, mall Santas, Meat Loaf impersonator “Pete Loaf” and Frank Caliendo.
• Brittney Griner, the number one overall pick in this year’s WNBA draft, has publically come out of the closet as a lesbian, joining the likes of other gay female athletes as Billy Jean King, Cheryl Swoops, Megan Rapinoe and every other professional female athlete ever.  
• Scientists announced that NASA’s Kepler satellite found three planets that appear to be the most habitable, Earth-like worlds outside of our solar system found to-date – with the closest being 1,200 light-years away. “Which is way closer than any of those dweeb scientists are to losing their virginity, who’s with me?” Josh McJock of High School, USA said, holding up his hand for a high-five on National High-Five Day. No one was with him. No one high-fived him. The scientists are in fact all virgins.

Headline Jokes by Andrew 4/17/2013

• Today the U.S. Senate failed to pass a measure that would increase background-checks on gun purchasers despite polls showing that over 90% of the American public is in favor of the increase. For the people, bye, the 30,000+ people who will die of gun violence in America this year.
• Legendary NFL play-by-play commentator Pat Summerall has passed away at the age of 82. His doctors said that they’re surprised he lasted as long as he did, after all of those under-nourished years of John Madden stealing and eating his meals. John Madden, upon hearing of Summerall’s death, committed suicide, leaving a note: “Nice try, Pat. I’ll be eating your meals in hell.”
• Mars One, a nonprofit organization, will begin accepting one-minute video applications this July from anyone interested in being one of four astronauts on a mission to Mars in 2023. Candidates must be 18 years old, pay an application fee and be willing to say goodbye forever as there are no plans to bring the selected astronauts back to earth. On a personal note, my older brother is going to apply for this mission, so I’d just like to take this opportunity to say: Big Bro, if you do go on this mission, I call your room.
• New Zealand has become the thirteenth country to legalize same-sex marriages, and the first country in the Asia-Pacific region to do so. “We’re still not gayer than Australia, but we’re getting closer,” the President Prime Minister Lord of the Ring of New Zealand said. “I don’t agree with it, but you can’t do much about kids and their hippie ideals,” said Old Zealand.
• Letters addressed to President Barack Obama and Senator Roger Wicker have been intercepted by government officials after testing positive for the poison ricin, which can be deadly after exposure and has no cure. Authorities already have a strong lead on a suspect, saying all they had to do was cross-reference the handful of people who still use the USPS with those who watch ‘Breaking Bad.’
• Anheuser-Busch is introducing a new bowtie-shaped beer can to mirror its iconic Budweiser logo. Fancy. A larger opening will also be introduced, made to accommodate the increasing size of ruffie pills being produced in order to maintain effectiveness with the increasing size of fatty people.
• Recent North Korea VIP visitor Dennis Rodman says that he is speaking with the FBI about the details of his trip there. Conspiracy theorists are calling bullshit: “We’ve all watched ‘Men In Black’ to the very end – we all know that Rodman is an alien, and not a source of any actual, viable political, economic or valuable information that could benefit the United States or anyone in any way shape or form. (Even though he was pretty damned good at rebounding.)”

Tim and Gelman Have Lunch (Again) Finally Premieres

timheidecker:

It’s been a long time coming, and I apologize for the delay, but it’s finally here, in 4 parts. Watch all at once or space them out. Please share and try and watch on a TV!! 

Headline Jokes by Andrew 4/10/2013

• Renowned movie critic Roger Ebert has passed away after years of battling cancer. On his death bed, Ebert gave his last review: a review of Life. “It’s not my favorite Eddie Murphy movie, but I’d still watch it whenever it was on TV.”
• American and South Korean troops are again on high alert today, preparing for the possibility of a medium-range missile attack from North Korea after weeks of empty threats from North Korean officials. “Let’s just say I’m Kim Jung Un-impressed with all of this Dictator Who Cried Wolf,” said a South Korean solider who wishes to remain anonymous – not for threat of repercussions, he’d like to point out, but for such a terrible pun.
• Anthony Weiner is considering another run at politics after he was thrust into the public eye and forced to resign after posting lewd materials on the Internet while a U.S. Representative. Weiner said that he’s learned his lesson about posting personal content on social media where anyone can see it. “I only post my selfie nudies on Google+ now, and no one ever goes on that, so no worries.”
• The Game Show Network is considering adding a church-based dating show to its line-up. The show will be once a week, you’ll barely be able to stay awake during it when you watch and/or contestants will eat fried chicken on their dates - reports are still unclear as to whether it will be a religious church-based dating show or a fried chicken Church’s-based dating show.
• In rural Oregon, a man was saved by his two teenage daughters when they were somehow able to muster the strength to lift a 3,000-pound trailer that had fallen on top of him. The man was extremely grateful, but added that no one can lift off the weight he carries every day for not being able to produce a son.
• MTV has decided to cancel “Buckwild,” a reality show that followed stunt-performing West Virginia youth after one of the show’s stars, Shain Gandee, died in of carbon monoxide poisoning while “mudding.” Someone out there just spit out their drink because they thought I said he died of “reading” and knew that couldn’t possibly be the case since West Virginia hasn’t had a book in it since 1854 but then wiped their mouth, realized that he died of “mudding,” and said to themselves, “that makes more sense.”
• Roman Catholic nun Sister Mary Anne is facing prosecution in New York after stealing and gambling away over $128,000 from churches she worked at. Sister Act’in a fool. Her eye was on the Sbarro. (She reportedly loved Sbarro so much that she developed the gambling addiction to feed her Sbarro addiction. So, really, who can blame her? No one. Well, maybe judges and a jury and God and anyone who isn’t a monster.)

Calls from Sarah

Here is my entry for Round 10 of NPR’s Three-Minute Fiction short story contest. The prompt was to write the story as a voicemail, and the title of my entry is “Calls from Sarah.” It didn’t win.

Hi, this is Sarah. We met last night at the Reynolds’ barbeque, and I know I probably should have waited and that I sound like a real turd, but I got your number, and I wanted to call you, and so I did, and o.k. I hope you had a good day. Call me soon, if you want to.

Hello, it’s Sarah. Sorry I missed your call – I was at the gynecologist. Just kidding. Oh my gosh what a weird thing to say. I’m so sorry. Anyway, I would love to meet up, and that Italian place you mentioned sounds great. If you’re still interested, of course. Again, I’m so, so sorry. No more gyno jokes. Promise. O.k. Talk soon. I hope. And I hope you had a lovely day.

I’m so full of tiramisu that I’m a blimp and I’m hovering over the city. Everything is so tiny from up here. Oh, I can see my house! Anyway, I had a wonderful time. I probably should have waited to call again. I’m bad at that. Have a great rest of your night.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the flowers. They are lovely. Thank you. They are very sweet. O.k. Bye, bye. See you soon.

This is going to sound silly and sappy, and I know it, and I’m not sorry. But two months ago exactly today we met and the two months since have been the best and I’m so excited about you and this weekend. Room service! O.k., o.k. Bye, you wonderful turd you.

Hi, there. This is Sarah. Can you call me back when you get this?

Hey, it’s me. Thank you for being so understanding earlier. I know that neither of us planned for this, but we’ll be o.k., o.k.? Let me know if you want to talk about any of it or if you need some space to think, which is completely o.k. if you do. Oh, and our appointment tomorrow is at 8:00 so we’ll need to leave my place by 7:15. O.k. Well, I love you.

What is your parents’ address? I want to send them a present for dinner last night. I think your dad likes me, at least. Hope work is good.

Hi, I know you’re out and about with the boys, and I hope you’re having such a good time. Not too good of a time, of course. Anyway, I just got back to my place, and the girls just left. It was fun, but it felt strange to have a bachelorette party with no drinking. But it was fun. But I’m so excited for tomorrow. I wish I could see you before then, though. I am excited, but I miss you. I know that’s silly. You’ll be so handsome. I just miss you tonight, and I love you, and I’m excited for tomorrow. Sorry I’m so emotional. And sorry for apologizing so much. O.k. I’m going to sleep now. O.k. I love you.

Hi, don’t forget that we’re writing Thank You cards tonight. Let me know when you’ll be home. O.k. Love you.

Hi, there. Can you call me when you get this?

I’m sorry to keep bothering you at work. I’m just so bored and sad and empty and alone. I’m sorry that I said that you don’t know me. I’ve been sitting in her room all day. We need to repaint it. Can we? You can pick the color. I just can’t stop thinking about everything. I just don’t know what to do now. O.k. Call me soon, if you want to.